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Today, I can’t find myself especially attracted to someone who can’t pull it together at least enough to have a bed frame and a legitimate lease.

Like, I still hate that capitalism makes all this drudgery necessary, but you don’t see me eating Top Ramen about it.

It beats the hell out of the four-in-a-row of that guy who’s laughing so hard he’s crying that I used to get.

Like, is this the movie with Michael Keaton where he cloned himself to do all his chores and raise his children so there are actually four of you laughing about the thing I said?

I started out swiping right on dashing 24-year-old guys who do that rowing-boats-as-a-sport thing—because arms and stamina don’t stop being hot just because I remember the first Bush administration—but I didn’t expect anything to come from it.

What I found instead was a veritable feast of f*ckable dudes who were not only picking up what I was throwing down, but also apparently had learned that the correct way to react to a text message from a woman you’re seeing is to actually answer it in full sentences within a few hours of receiving it. This realization is just one of many genuinely surprising-in-a-good-way discoveries I've made since trying the whole dating thing again, this time as an older and wiser woman in her 30s.

It was these realizations that happened over and over again in my 20s: In contrast, the realizations in my 30s have felt more varied and have forced me to consider what I will and won’t compromise on.

If a date of any age didn’t have a steady career in my 20s, I didn’t think much of it unless they were, like, getting summonses from debtors' prison.

On the topic of raking lawns, it reminds me, naturally, that we are all on a slow and unstoppable march toward death, a fact that we think about more often as we get older.

So as my age range preference has expanded to accommodate more dudes in their mid-to-late 30s, I find that they realize more keenly that they don’t have all the time to “see what happens” and “play the field," and not just because their vision isn’t what it used to be and sports really agitate their increasingly fragile back muscles! And on that note, the imaginary children I’ve been thinking about for decades are finally something that it is fine to talk about.

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